To Live In the Love We’ve Left Behind

This is a tribute to my grandmother. It has been originally published on my prior website in February 2022.

Grief is our response to loss. I used to think it meant intense sorrow, lots of tears, and weeks of unbearable sadness. So, when I lost my grandmother this weekend, I thought I was absolutely losing it when I did not feel those things. Am I cold-hearted? Do I lack compassion? In those early moments of learning of her passing and making my way from Brooklyn to Philadelphia, I felt three things, overwhelmingly – worried, contemplative, and relieved.

I was worried about my family, especially my mom. Worried about her siblings and my siblings. I was incredibly anxious about how their own grief might feel. I was contemplative about life in general, and how short it is. What happens after we’re gone? Can I lean on my catholic faith that has let me down so much in recent years? Is it selfish to go back to my faith for comfort in the possibility of heaven? Lastly, I was relieved. This was the hardest to admit and understand. But I accepted my feelings as valid and really thought hard about them. My grandmother, we called her mom-mom, suffered a lot toward the end of her life. Knowing someone is out of pain is fair grounds to feel relieved. And knowing that she lived an amazing life filled with so much happiness makes the way my grief is revealing itself seem a lot less surprising.

Mom-mom left behind so much love. She had five kids, who then went on to give her eleven grandkids, who then went on to give her three (and one on the way, so almost four) great grandkids. That’s 20 moments of a mother and father meeting their new baby for the first time, 20 birthdays a year, and an unmentionable number of gifts given and hugs received. Even though the people in our lives don’t last forever, the love they create continues to grow every single day.

When I find myself thinking that maybe my reactions to mom-mom being gone are unusual, I also wonder how I could feel anything but the immense amount of love she left me surrounded by. I will miss her with my entire heart, but she no longer suffers, and I like to think that her time on earth fulfilled her life’s greatest wishes. Mom-mom left behind unbreakable traditions and bonds between her children and their children. She was unwaveringly kind and thoughtful, and she did everything for the well-being of her family. Even after she lost her husband, our pop-pop, 10 years ago, she kept his spirit alive through her constant effort to continue to build and strengthen the unwavering love of the family they created together.

I do not think it’s a coincidence that mom-mom took her last breath only a few weeks after the 10th anniversary of pop-pop’s passing. I believe in soulmates. I also believe that mom-mom and pop-pop’s love was revealed in their family. When pop-pop passed away, there was still more recipes to be learned and more Sunday dinners to be had. It’s almost like they had a secret deal. Stay down there Joanne, he would have said, keep the love we have created steady and let it grow— I will come for you one day. And now that the day has come that they are truly together forever, they can look down on the love they have left us with approval and fulfillment.

I feel sad. But more importantly, I feel grateful. I used to think death was a terrible punishment. But in recent years I have embraced the fact that with life comes death. Its inescapable, and out of our control. If we truly want to embrace life, all it has to offer, and the potential love to be added to this world, we must also embrace death. To embrace death is to appreciation life as the long, beautiful journey we all have been given.

Thank you so much to everyone who has expressed such kind words and condolences to my family during this time. Your love never goes unnoticed. Remember, this Valentine’s Day, to tell your dearest how much you love them.

Xoxo,

Kate